Another one from the archives, following on from the Phnom Penh small ads:

It's always amusing to see the various ways that non-English countries abuse the mother tongue, especially when it comes to the written word. The Americans of course, are notorious for misspelling words such as color or analyze. But we've learnt to live with crucifixion of the English language by our friends across the pond with weary reluctance down the years. I'm recently arrived in Penang, Malaysia for a friends wedding, and courtesy of the hotel I am given a free copy of the English language paper the 'Straits Times'.

I often like to read the small ads, don't ask me why, perhaps subconciously I'm looking for those doubler-entendre adverts promising the massage of your life by big busty blonde, willing to do specials. Who knows? However, I thought that the following might be of interest to people, as some can be quite amusing in their own right:

• Do you have hearing problems?

Then Listen to this great offer!

Free hearing test, simple, flexible and affordable!

Sounds good?

Then call 123456 and hear our free message.

(Local call rates apply)

And from the lonely hearts section:

Fair Dinkum - Tall, clean, shaven Punjabi professional, 40, seeks dutiful, obedient spouse. MUST LIVE IN THE US or not interested.

Quite the choosy one isn't he? And fair dinkum? Is he confusing Australia with America perhaps? I don't suppose he could be angling for citizenship and then jumping boat...no, that's just too cynical! Another from the same section:

How are you today? I'm Alive, attractive lady love, cooking you wish to know.

We'll I'm glad that she's alive and well, though I suspect her name is Alice rather than stating the bloody obvious fact that she's alive, writing the advert being indicative of the state of her mortality. And I'm assuming that she is stating that she cooks, rather than wishes to cook her potential mate, unless of course she really is some sort of Malaysian Black Widow!

MAIDS FOR HIRE!

1. Free replacement 12 month for runaways!*

* - conditions apply

2. Outdoor Service!

No, I don't know what point 2 means either, but on a more serious note, for maids you can read slaves, many young Phillipino and Indonesian women are badly abused and run away because of the sometimes appalling work conditions and physical and mental abuse that they must endure. The fact that the agency offers free replacements for runaway maids is indicative of the level of this abuse.

On a more amusing note, need a decorator?

Trendy plaster ceiling specialist! Interior designer without experience call.....

Hmmm.

Ah! There is a massage section, I was right, it is a subconcious desire on my part, and they're certainly more discreet than their Western counterparts, not a busty blonde to be seen anywhere! Damn! But there is something odd, inbetween say every fifth advert for a soothing massage, there are larger adverts advertising small lorries for sale or rental. There's a connection there somehow but for the life of me I can't quite place it.

Ah, a job advertisement:

Management trainee required. Long hours and unpaid overtime. Must be dynamic, initiative and able to work independently with minimum supervision for small renumeration. Fresh graduates are encouraged to apply.

McDonalds.

It's a real problem here. An office put an advert in for a desk clerk, again for small renumeration, and there were over 100 post-grads applying for the lowly post. There are too few jobs for too many qualified people.

Having just walked past a general store offering many 'Tit-bits' the mind turns once again to the grasp of the English language of your average Malaysian businessmen. And so finally, the ultimate English Language training course:

Egnlish Langage course for very cheep prices!

Well they didn't say anything about the written word now did they?

Oh, and an apology for any mispellings!

yechydda,