'You are not in some filthy South American country where you never know which Gomez or Sanchez pharmacy is going to be open next Sunday. In Laos pharmacies are always open!'

It proudly proclaims. No, I don' know what the Laos government has against South American either. Continuing on the pharmaceutical theme,

Bites from scorpions, snakes etc...yes I know its painful. But it's never deadly. Except sometimes...then check out the opening hours of the nearest pharmacy'

A bit difficult to do if it's one of those sometimes and you're actually dead. And hang on, I thought they said that they were always open? Then again, you soon learn in Laos that the sign that says official opening hours means exactly that. Officially at these times they are in theory possibly open, but in practice they open pretty much when they feel like it. This particularly bothers the Americans for some reason, who don't seem to understand that shouting and raising their voices won't actually achieve anything. Americans also don't seem to understand the wild swings in prices from day to day - well nobody really does, but since double next to nothing is still next to nothing why make a fuss?

Food and drink is pretty good and very cheap in Laos, the French influence means you can usually get decent baguettes, unlike in Thailand where all bread is sweaty and soft and has the consistency of chewing gum. Let's see what the guide says about food:

'Try the ant's eggs, or grilled grasshoppers, snakes, dogs, cats, rats, squirrels, bats etc - enjoy your meal!'

And they're not kidding, I've seen a plump rat being barbecued. Somehow I've lost my appetite, let's turn to the section on drink instead:

'A great moment? Coffee time! Everywhere in the morning you will find the 'cafe nom' or 'cafe song san' After 11.00am you will only get a nescafe red cup- to be avoided. But if you are asking for tea you will be bring some Lipton from which you have run away'.

I have no idea why they will not serve you anything but Nescafe after 11 in the morning. They're right about the tea though, Liptons makes a week and insipid brew, very perspicacious these Laos, but I've never physically seen anyone actually running away from a cup of Liptons.

'Drink Beer Lao!...always order one bottle and two glasses, even if you are alone. That's smart!'

I actually tried this but people kept looking at me, as if I were entertaining an invisible friend. I gave up when I couldn't see what was the advantage in having two glasses unless it was to keep some ice in one of them. For some reason in Laos, the beer is cool and never cold. In temperatures that barely fall below 35c even in the rainy season (which means it rains about once a week and the electricity promptly fails), it's wise to pop a cube of ice into the beer even if it does ruin it. To be avoided all costs is the loi-loi or Laos red wine. It is in fact Laos whisky and it is indeed as gut wrenchingly bad as its fearsome reputation suggests. Back to the pharmacy the next day if you drink this stuff the night before. Also not recommended are the bottles of loi-loi that have coiled cobras or a nest of drowned scorpions stuffed in them, supposedly medicinal but for what I can't imagine.

Leaving the jocularity behind, there is a sobering reminder from history in the guide: