Our ace reporter, Roy Rubberplunger, has just filed the following copy after being the only person to interview both Bush and Kerry on the eve of self-destruction, sorry, that should read, the American Democratic elections sponsored by Big Business inc, Martys for God (Christian faction), Everyone has the right to own a Nuke (NRA) and Mr.Rabbits low-cost-animal -food pellet franchise.

The Welsh Leek brings you exclusive last minute messages from George Bush and John Kerry to the American public:

Because we have failed to make America safe, you should re-elect us to make you safe.

Because we haven't caught Osama in over three years, you should re-elect us and give us another four years to try and find him.

Because we didn't bother to secure high energy explosives in Iraq you should re-elect us so that those explosives aren't used against you.

Because, despite what we told you, Saddam had nothing to dowith 9/11 and had no WMDs and was no threat to anyone you should re-elect us so that we can carry on attacking the worng enemy wherever they may be.

John I haven't got a poker up my ass Kerry:

You should,or should not, depending on your views, elect or not elect me as President of this country because only I, and perhaps some others that I'd talk to, know or think we know, whether it's appropriate or inappropriate, to bring in allies or not, to form a real coalition or partnership with those countries that may or may not eat cheese or perhaps sometimes and not on Tuesdays, whichever, but I can say with absolute certainly and resolve, or not depending on the circumstances, that I, John Kerry will or may examine all the relevant issues and yes, or no, somethat may not be relevant, and form a firm opinion on exactly what is or is not needed to be done for the benefit of the American people, her allies, and some, but not necessarily all of those that shoot ducks or want same sex marriages.

That's me clear message to the American people. I think.