I finally escaped the city of Angels and escaped to Pattaya where I hoped to follow up many of the stories I captured exactly a year ago. I even checked into the same hotel, and flicking through the channels on the first tired night I came across an old friend - FIX NEWS!

I realised that the last time I saw this self proclaimed news channel was during the US elections last november. It was funny then, I wondered if it had changed to reflect the majority view now held in the US that Bush mislead them into war, is handling it badly and doesn't know what he is doing. Oh, and that they no longer trust him.

The first article up was a US General doing the media circuit tub-thumping the claim that things were going well in Iraq and weren't as bad as most of the US public believe. While he was extolling the virtues of the bloody occupation, astonishingly Fox switched to a short montage of Iraqis laying bricks, plastering walls, shaking hands with US troops (ring any bells?) and generally giving the impression that everything was going swimmingly in Disneyland, Iraq. To be fair, the female anchor, who gushed so much you felt that she was about to dive beneath the generals legs and suck his cock, said,

'But we should point out that there are still some problems in Iraq' Well there was the understatement of the year! The General agreed but I noticed that this time there was no short montage of bits of people plastered over the streets, of water, oil and electricity shortages and rolling death tolls. It reminded me of something that took me a few seconds to put my finger on. Then I had it. For fun in communist Laos and Vietnam I would occasionally put the official government channel on. Full of patriotic images of tractors ploughing fields, happy peasants and soldiers being welcomed and garlanded wherever they went. Totalitarian television at its best, but a long way to go before getting as professional at it as the nicely balanced Fox news. The slot ended with the anchor presenting her rump for the general to sniff. Well probably, I turned over before the inevitable. But in case you think that Fox was a government mouthpiece just on Iraq and can be forgiven, read on.

The next time I switched it on, an anchor called O'Reilly was fuming about a rather peculiar crime case. It turns out that a 40 year old female teacher had had sex with a 17 year old male pupil. She pleaded guilty and was sentenced accordingly. In his summing up the judge told her off silly but also imparted a few words of admonishment to the 17 year old saying that he had played an active part in letting the situation arise.O'Reilly then said that such liberal left-wing nuts such as the judge were undermining American morality (no mention of US random arrests, kidnapping and torture) by telling the 17 year old off - the woman was the criminal and she alone was to blame! He then bought in his guest, his old pal, a criminal lawyer that had appeared on his show many times. Wouldn't you agree that such liberal judges, and probably a democrat to boot, were eroding the moral fibre of America? His guest said, er, well no, not at all. The judge was perfectly correct to point out the 17 year old's role. He had access to all the details, was a solid judge, had punished the woman appropriately and was quite right to point out the boys complicity. O'Reilly, blushed spluttered and blathered a while at this unexpected rebuttal, unable to comprehend that there were two sides to the law - the letter and the spirit.

And this morning, some twerp called Dick Morris was on yup, O'Reilly. They discussed Iraq, and Dick argued that substantial progress was indeed being made in Iraq. O'Reilly clucked with approval. Dick then went on to say that in 12 months, at most 24 months, there would be no US troops in Iraq. Fair enough, I thought, it's just possible. And then he said in 24 months at the outset we'd be watching a full scale civil war in Iraq, but that no Americans would be getting killed. Dick indeed - clearly he has a different interpretation to progress than I do. O'Reilly said nothing.

On domestic issues, Dick pointed out that 70% of Americans when polled put the high price of gas as their major concern. Okay, I thought, could well be. Dick then added that only 40% of the remainder polled were concerned about other issues such as Iraq or immigration. Hmmm, 70% plus 40% - 110% of people polled? Must be all those illegal immigrants that make up the numbers. O'Reilly said nothing about the arithmetic discrepancy, largely because the magic 'I' word, immigration, had been raised. Cue the klaxons, the flashing lights, the divers alarums around the studio! The Mexicans are coming! The Mexicans are coming! O'Reilly, smoke now billowing out of his ears, quickly shifted into gear and proposed a massive wall to stop the Spiks from entering the country, stealing our jobs and raping our women. And it would stop terrorism. And that the National Guard should be deployed to shoot anyone found eating tacos, wearing sombreros or going by the name Jose. Funnily enough, Dick, in a rare moment of lucidity, said, er no, that wouldn't help really, they'd dig under the wall, put people into boats instead and so on. Besides, if it weren't for the Spiks we'd have to pay a hell of a lot more for our vegetables and houses since those industries employ illegal immigrants at slave wages. I don't care! O'Reilly thundered, I want to go to sleep at night knowing that my daughter is safe from terrorists, I'd be happy enough to pay more, after all I'm rich enough! Then we'd have to lay bricks along the Canadian border too, which was far more likely an entry point for potential terrorists, Dick pointed out. And along the East and west coasts to be consistent I muttered to the television.

Then further thought occurred to me that it might not be such a bad idea, if like Israel, the Soviet union and so on the US walled itself in. With a bit of luck, no-one could get in, and more importantly out.

Recently four people were kidnapped in Iraq, among them a German and a Canadian. An anchor going by the name of Neil Cuveto glowed with approval, that should teach the Germans and the Canadians that staying out of the war on terrorism doesn't mean your citizens will be safe from the terrorists! Despite the fact that Germany is active in Afghanistan and is training Iraqi troops in Qatar and that the other two captives' countries were actively involved in Iraq. Oh, and that they were all working for a Christian peace group. In the same bare faced breath he also went on to say that if Bush managed to clear up the problems in Iraq it would prove once and for all that he was one of the greatest presidents of all time. He didn't think to point out that it was Bush that created the problems. A bit like saying, if he can heal the foot he just shot himself in, what a great surgeon his must be!

Still, it was comforting to know that some things never change, and that FIX news is still the wonderful entertaiment channel that it always was.

yechydda,