Tonight I want to talk to the people of America about the hurricane Katrina. Except for the poor, the frail, the elderly and foreign tourists, probably all terrorists, who only bring these things on themselves.

I want to tell those people that count, the rich, the powerful, the influential and those that believe the earth was created 10,000 years ago, namely those in the red states - that I will stop at nothing to hunt down and eliminate these hurricanes that attack America. We know where these hurricanes come from, from EyeIran, and North Korea and Syria and Eyerack. We don't know how but we do know that Saddam is linked to these hurricane attacks, our tried and trusted intelligence networks have evidence that Saddam has hidden hurricanes all over the world to be unleashed at will, but we can't tell you how we know, it's a secret.

Ladies and Gentlemen, but not poor black people, I'm declaring war on hurricanes. And to that end, knowing that Eyeran, North Korea and Syria are behind this terrible assault against our nation, we're going to attack Cuba. We've known for years that Castro is a very naughty man, and that this poor country, against which we have inflicted terrible sanctions on her people out of pure spite, has in depth knowledge of hurricanes - recently they managed to evacuate vast numbers of people before a hurricane struck without a single loss of life.

This is clear proof that they know what hurricanes are and how to react to them. How do they know this? Because they use science, logic and reason, which is typical of evil communist regimes. We Americans reject science, logic and reason. That's what made us great. We know that God is on our side - only this morning I talked to the Great Bearded One and he told me to declare war on hurricanes and invade Cuba. Our mission is clear. Bomb Cuba and free those people held in Castro's prisons without charge, representation or trial. Except for Guantanamo, that doesn't count. Then we'll establish a democracy and if there's any oil we'll take that as a down payment for our troubles.

Back to New Orleans. I want to thank the efforts of Brownie, who's doing one heck of a job. He's a vastly experienced man who was recently sacked for not being able to run horse shows. His college room mate recommended him for the job and looking at his CV, full of equine and animal handling experience, I believed God when he told me to put him in charge of FEEBLE, I mean FEMA. Thanks to Brownie, many many black and poor people will no longer be a burden on decent rich folk's society. This means that we can increase the tax cuts to the richest few and that their extra income will trickle down to even fewer people than it already doesn't.

Now folks, I'm aware that people have been a teensy bit critical about the governments performance over this hurricane attack. But to criticise the government is to give aid and comfort to the enemy, the hurricanists that have perpetrated this crime against the rich. Well I say to you, nobody could have predicted a hurricane attack on US soil, even with all the warnings we recieved. But we swung into action as soon as we realised that there was a problem. I went in the completely opposite direction in order to raise some money for those rich folks that now have to pay an excess on their insurance policies. Cheney stayed where he was on holiday in Wyoming, because there were scattered showers there and he wanted to emphasise with the people that managed to escape New Orleans. Fraulein Rice, decided to go shopping for tall spikey S&M thigh length leather boots so she wouldn't get her feet wet in the rain of New York, another gesture of solidarity.Rove shifted into gear and began smearing any Democrats he could find. So the government did just fine.

The war on hurricanes isn't going to be easy. It will require even more tax cuts for the rich, and even more poor black people to go and fight wars in foreign countries, except where those countries are too scary, like North Korea or Iran which is now running Iraq and arming themselves to the teeth with nukes. Brrr! No, we must stay the course in the war against hurricanes. We must sacrifice the blood of our poor, huddled masses so that the rich can get richer and the poor people can eat cake.

As my mom said, those poor blackies that have been shipped off to refugee camps outside New Orleans are actually better off than they were last week so every cloud has a silver lining. But they ain't gonna stay in Texas forever, no siree, that's too scary, just as soon as we find them a ghetto somewhere else they'll be coralled out into there just like we coralled them into the superdome where nobody needs to see the misery they live in.

I'm also announcing that from tonight, no body bags of the dead in New Orleans are to be broadcast on TV. We don't do it with the dead delivered from Iraq, we won't do it with the dead in New Orleans. Folks don't need to see body bags while they're chomping on their teevee dinners. That's just plain rude now ain't it? Out of sight out of mind, or as my momma would say:

'Why should we hear about body bags and death? It's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?'

Ladies and Gentlemen, together we'll rebuild New Orleans, so that I can drink mint juleps on my good friend white supremacist Tren Lott's new porch, without a single, poor black person to be seen. Except for the servants of course, but there'll always be eyesores. Just as you trusted me in Eye-raq, so I now want you to trust me in New Orleans. We may not have a buggery bollocks clue what we're doing but that's never stopped the US public from supporting me before. You're either with us or against us. You either support hurricanes and hurricanists or you go to war against them. I've given Castro three hours from now to reveal the locations of his weapons of hurricane destruction and if he doesn't comply by three hours ago, on Rummy's advice, I'm going to send fifteen troops to subdue and secure Cuba and bomb it into democracy.

God bless the rich white people of America!

yechydda,