In a recent speech to the Police Federation conference in Bournemouth, Home Office minister John Denham told delegates at the  that it was time to 'get down to the nitty gritty' on police training. There was uproar. Senior police officers critices the minister for using a racially sensitive word, and some called for the minister to be suspended.

Why?

Some say that nitty-gritty has its origins in the detritus found at the bottom of slaves ships, deposited there by the unfortunate captives who had to live in their own filth for the duration of the voyage. Others say it refers to the eggs of nits found in slaves hair, however it is very difficult to trace its usage back before the sixties, so these stories must be taken with a pinch of salt. It is deemed to be politically incorrect because of the wide perception that one of the explanations above is true and therefore derogatory to black people.

Another no-no phrase is 'good-egg' which comes from the cockney rhyming slang 'egg and spoon' which rhymes with 'coon', another derogatory term for black people. Referring to gay men as 'homosexual' is also frowned upon as it has negative connotations and associations with illegal sexual acts. Police reaction to this was to say 'bugger it'.

Also banned is the word history at Stockport College because the first syllable, 'his', is sexist, 'hard-working' has been removed from an employment advertisement because it might offend the disabled or the workshy, and the seemingly innofensive 'gobbledygook' is apparently banned in several UK firms as 'sexual harassment' because of its sound.

No, I can't work out why either, and if you can you should be worried and get out into the fresh air more.

Many police officers are undestandably angry at what they see as political correctness gone mad, a phrase in itself that should be banned for annoying over-usage. They cite the recent case of a male police constable with 30 years service, who had even been criticised by a disciplinary board for using the term WPC rather than PC.

A spokesman, er, person for the police protested that everday common police parlance was being threatened by 'left wing nutters' and was promptly sacked. His replacement agreed that words like 'pikey', to describe travellers or gypsies was probably derogatory and suggested that 'thieving gypsy bastards', 'Oi you black bastard' and 'you fucking poofter' were suitable alternatives for travellers, blacks and limp wristed queens.

In a later development, Lambeth council that once famously banned the children's nursery rhyme baa-baa black sheep and suggested replacing it with baa-baa green sheep, announced yesterday that the words he and she should be removed because of possible offence to the transgendered community. A new word that covers he, she and it has been proposed as an alternative.

The new replacement word is proposed to be SHIT.

yechydda,