Everyone knows the inventive jargon that estate agents use to sell property, but what about the travel industry?

On my travels to date I've stayed in accomodation ranging from backpackers (a bed) to luxury hotels.

The most important thing for any traveller is a decent nights sleep, even if you are taking the most luxurious method of travelling, a train, the constant exposure to newness and the unknown is tiring for even the most languid of traveller.

Here are some examples of travelspeke.

Quaint - rundown and hasn't been decorated since it was built.

Carefree Natives - terrible service.

Bustling metropolis - thousands of hostile natives.

Authentic cooking - Cheap but awful local cooking.

Unique - it's unique because no-one else thought it was worth copying.

Gentle Breezes - expect gale force winds or hurricanes.

All the amenities - running water.

Plush - running water and free toilet paper.

Spacious room - bugger all furniture.

Mini-bar - pay five times the normal price for an inferior quarter bottle of wine/spirits/beer.

Cool - fucking freezing even in summer.

Airy - no air conditioning.

Convenient location - at least three bus changes, fifteen train stations or a mortgage for a taxi fare away from the main event.

Five minutes to city - only if you're driving a bloody car.

Boutique Accomodation - the room is a box.

Good atmosphere - Communal showers.

Busy - located right above a pub that plays live music and doesn't close until three o'clock in the morning.

Near - the other end of the city from.

Friendly - they don't spit at you when you ask for a late check-out at nine in the morning.

Professional - the staff have been on a one day training course three years ago.

With spectacular views - only from one room and that belongs to the manager and his wife, you have to put up with a view into other guests rooms which can only be described as spectacular if a leggy model happens to be wandering around in the nude. If this is the case, she will not think that her view is particularly spectacular when she sees a balding pot bellied man leering at her through the window.

yechydda,